Ugh...I don't want to be writing this post.  I want to go into my bedroom where my husband and son are fast asleep, cozy in our big bed and hide under the covers next to them...but I can't.  My son turns one in less than 2 weeks...1 year old, what a milestone for him, for us.  What a milestone...a year without hg.  A year of eating, laughing, going places, doing things.  A year of regaining strength, of fighting post partum anxiety (yea...more likely when you've had hg), of dental work (thanks hg for my first cavities ever), of emotional scars I didn't realize had been left in the aftermath.  A year of watching my beautiful, amazing son grow from a tiny baby (born at 38 weeks and less than 6lbs...thanks hg) to a strong boy wearing 18 mo clothes and in the 80th percentile for size.  Every morning I wake up to his tired little eyes and his sweet little smile, the sweetest smile I've ever seen.  Not once have I thought it wasn't worth it.  Not once have I wished I could take it all back.  Every hurl, every pound lost, every tear shed, every 3 hour shower, every hurtful word, every missed opportunity...was so incredibly, undeniably worth it for my little boy.

I found myself going through baby clothes tonight...again.  It was more emotional because Levi is almost 1.  It was also even more emotional because I want to fill those clothes again.  I don't want tonight to be the last time I hold up that tiny newborn onesie that was SO BIG on my preemie sized newborn.  I don't want to give up on ever having another baby. I want another baby, my husband wants another baby, and I am sure when Levi gets older, he is going to want a sibling.  Most people would think about that fondly.  Soft fuzzy pictures of babies in cozy footies pajamas cooing at they parents fill your mind.  If it hadn't of been for hg, we'd probably already be pregnant...willingly.  But instead of those happy thoughts most people associate with pregnancy, I feel nothing but fear.  I dread the thought of being that ill for nine months.  I dread it.  It makes me nauseous just to think about it.   It is something I very much want and something I very much DON'T want.  Talk about being torn in half!

There's not only the physical aspect...there is the emotional one.  I find myself wondering if I could put my husband through that again.  It was so hard on him the first time, could either of us handle it again...but with a young child to care for?  Then there is the practical aspect.  I stay home with my son...who would take care of him? I couldn't even take care of ME when I was pregnant.  There are the nicety visits.  The very few friends who drop by...maybe for an hour.  The family that is busy...and rightfully so...working full time, providing for their own families, taking care of their own children...they try to stop by time to time...maybe once a week if you're lucky.  What would become of my sweet vibrant little boy?  Then my mind tells me, it's ok, push it with your age, wait until he is in school that could save you that worry during the day...but who would drive him to and from school?   And what kind of memories and anxieties would he be left with watching his mommy go through that? At a younger age he'd probably forget..but at 5 or 6?

When I started this blog, like I've said so many times, I wanted it to be a place to bring it all together.  Information, support, healing...a one stop hg fighting shop...but it seems its only my personal hell so far. The personal hell hg women know so well but everyone can only wonder.  I wanted to bring awareness but all I want to do is turn and hide.  Even in my hiding, I can't escape...I can't forget.  Maybe I pushed myself too hard, or maybe pushing myself this far was what I needed to realize I needed to heal even more than I thought I did.

I guess it is fitting that this all comes to realization now...New Years...maybe for my resolution I need to decide to face hg head on...as scary as that is...if not for myself, for my family...for that other baby I want to hold in my arms one day.  If it was so incredibly and undeniably worth it for Levi...wouldn't it be for the next?